Friday, 9 March 2012

A Long over due update and some complacency

I think it is only fair I bring you up to speed.

I finished counseling and have a girlfriend.



Yes, 13 months later and I am much better than I was and I've nearly been in a full time job for 12months - my life has drastically improved.

I do have a lesson for you though about this.

I've had a weight lifted but some of it shouldn't of.

I felt I no longer has to over-police myself: I'm sane and been through counseling which surely makes me a damn site better than most?!

Whilst that statement may be true what I have learned is that some of the standards by which I measured myself (but never others) were spot on. What I mean is that I was complacent. Now I am making a point with regards to when I am out of order/line. There have been times when people have treated me or judged me in a certain way but then would not allow the same back to them - this is something I will not stand for, equality or its bullying.

What I am relating this to is the fact that sometimes I still upset those I care about and I still make stupid decisions or do stupid things. (Doesn't everyone though? I'm still awaiting an apologies about stuff I.E my hairline)

The precise matter in question:

I laughed at a picture I was shown that, when reminded of the next day was completely inappropriate and to be frank, nasty. It wasn't a corpse, it was just a daft joke.

I am sorry and right now there are flash backs of 'I'm a horrible person who should die and keep the world happy'. Now, I do realise that isn't true:- if only the government of Syria judged itself as harshly as I do...

Back to the point, I cannot justify laughing at that joke. I can try to help you understand. I am male, I was with other males and when we are together we normally are very immature and daft. I'm sure you do it too, you behave differently depending on friends and the situation. If someone was hit by a car I certainly wouldn't be as daft or immature as I was when I laughed at that picture.

I was complacent.
Because I thought "oh I've been through counseling. Oh I can stand up better for myself. Oh I no longer want to die and feel I'm a much more understanding and thoughtful person" it meant I allowed myself to get into a daft silly mood and laugh when it really wasn't appropriate too.

Just because other people laugh at things doesn't mean that I should.

I hope this makes some sense but what I will say is;
"Everyone should be judged equally, no rules applied to one and not to other. But you are responsible for applying rules or standards to yourself: all I ask is that they are reasonable ones that you would apply to others."


Does any of that make sense?
*sigh*


Anyway, I make a real effort and I'm very sorry that sometimes, I always fall short.