Alcohol has always been a difficult thing for me. Only as an adult do I realise that it was a form of anxiety. My Mum's tipple of choice was Pinot Grigio... in 1.5 litre bottles from Oddbins.
We went out to a house party with friends. I had a few drinks and was tipsy but she had a few more. She had a bit too much fun to the point where the fun came back up. I can handle vomit on the floor or whatever but the noise of retching makes me want to gag. I felt a bit unstable, mentally, trying to get her safely back home. I've looked after drunk people before so I have no idea why that night it affected it me more. We got in a taxi and just a minute down the road it all changed. Perhaps it was the panic setting in but I suddenly had to work out how to look after my inebriated comrade (which we all do from time to time!) and appease the taxi driver. However, my mind just went all soggy. The wobbling it has been doing over the past few weeks got worse to the point where when I looked at my friend sat on the kerb, I didn't see her. Just how am I to describe it? A hallucination? A flashback? It was like watching a film and suddenly the actress playing my friend was swapped with the one playing my dead mother, but I was the only one who could see it. Why did my head decide this was a helpful thing? In what way does this solve a slightly dirty uber and a very tipsy lady?
I managed to call some friends who took my girlfriend back with them to sober up and sleep while I went home. With her safe, I could focus on myself. Thanks to my medication and some haphazard attempts at mindfulness, I managed to calm down enough to rest and sleep.
I did my normal trick of self isolating and in the end used my knife to self harm. I've still felt low for the past couple of days but no where near as bad. In fact, well enough to try and socialise. Well enough to accept the love and support of friends and put on the mask for the wider world.
Depression is like a lead weight but its only for a short time am I able to lift it.
|MY amazing girlfriend: @Blue_Smudge|
If you delve back through the archive, I've described my anxiety or depression or the wider mental health battles I have as fighting a forest fire. Somedays, I get the upper hand and push the fire back. Other days, I lose ground and become encompassed and swamped. On average I used to think I was pushing the fire back and maybe I'll never have it fully under control but its worth the fight. Recently, I've found fighting hard and now I'm wondering if I'm slowly falling back. Either way, I don't feel I'm the only firefighter battling this fire anymore.
Thank you to my amazing friends and family who have held my hand and supported me and thank you for sharing this blog. Every ad click, video view or retweet not only supports me with a few pence but fights stigma and puts this bigger mental health forest fire back in the forefront.